Seb's Blag

Would You Like to Earn $12,000,000 in One Day?

2008-04-16T12:41:00.001+01:00

Yes? Go to Zimbabwe and enlist as a road sweeper. You should make that amount easily. Long live Robert Mugabe!

Welcome to Tibet

2008-04-13T22:57:00.001+01:00

Revolution, Anyone?

2008-04-12T00:54:00.003+01:00

http://www.ucl.ac.uk/whitehallII/history

Stop Islamisation (Take Three)

2008-04-09T18:34:00.001+01:00

Apologies. Seems like quite a few folks out there don't wish to see this movie aired.

http://www.themoviefitna.com/

Local War Memorial

2008-04-08T23:28:00.005+01:00

"TRUE LOVE BY LIFE, TRUE LOVE BY DEATH IS TRIED.

LIVE THOU FOR ENGLAND. WE FOR ENGLAND DIED."

Free Tibet

2008-04-08T01:10:00.002+01:00

Husband Song

2008-03-31T13:51:00.002+01:00

Stop Islamisation (Take Two)

2008-03-30T21:43:00.003+01:00

Stop Islamisation

2008-03-28T00:59:00.002Z

Thought for the Day

2008-02-01T23:25:00.002Z

Happy New Year

2008-01-06T03:31:00.000Z

13 Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.

14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

15 And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.

16 And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?

17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

18 He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness,

19 Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

20 The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?

21 Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.

23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

Lest We Forget

2007-10-12T02:07:00.001+01:00

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)

Beijing 2008

2007-10-12T01:49:00.001+01:00

Amnesty International website.

Postal Workers? Sack 'Em

2007-10-11T02:09:00.001+01:00

I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy for the postal workers. Although I blame senior managers for a lack of strategic planning, especially where the coming of the Internet Age is concerned, my experiences with Royal Mail staff, be they drivers, postmen or post office workers, have been pretty negative on the whole.

My honest impression over the years is that these are a surly bunch of unhappy workers who don't really like or respect the company they work for – which, incidentally, is owned by the public. Their van drivers drive like maniacs. As an experienced cyclist I can say without hesitation that Royal Mail drivers are the worst and most dangerous drivers on our roads today.

Sack the lot of 'em.

In any case, there must be other ways in this day and age of making a protest without brutalizing the public. A little imagination and ingenuity go a long way in publicity terms, but instead we have the tired old punishment tactics. This kind of unfair and unwarranted punishment of innocent parties must stop, whether by postal workers or tube workers. It is counter productive in any case.

Anne Widdecombe Is Going - Shame

2007-10-10T00:34:00.000+01:00

So Anne Widdecombe is going to stand down come the next election. This is a great shame. Why does the old bag have to keep us waiting so long?

You can give her a slap, completely free of charge, by clicking here.

Free Burma

2007-10-04T00:14:00.000+01:00

Forget Burma?

2007-10-03T11:36:00.001+01:00

Phew! It's all quietened down now, so we can forget about Burma...

Or can we? This video was made in February 2004.

Mohamed Al Passport

2007-10-02T10:33:00.000+01:00

So Mohamed Al Passport is in the news again, determined to sully the good name of our wonderful, nay, exemplary royal family.

I wonder if Mr Al Passport is aware that his beloved Harrods is among the few companies to be named and shamed for sourcing their products in Burma?

Boycott Beijing 2008

2007-10-01T23:56:00.000+01:00

For a year or two now I've been looking forward to going to the Olympic Games in China next year. I was hoping to take my mum along as a surprise. We won't be going now. (Sorry Mum.) And I won't be watching either. China, itself still a brutal dictatorship, has spectacularly failed to intervene to help the people of Burma, and of that the people of China should be ashamed.

Please boycott the Beijing Olympic Games in 2008.

Don't go. Don't watch. And don't buy it if it's 'Made in China'.

Reporters Without Borders

More Rain in Burma

2007-10-01T08:18:00.001+01:00

A monk, murdered by government soldiers. (If you are offended by these images, please ask yourself why.)

These images, and the following text, are taken from today's entries on Ko Htike's blog.

We just got phone call with our sister living in Yangon about a few hours ago.

We saw on BBC world, saying that 200 monks were arrested. The true picture is far worse!!!!!!!!!

For one instance, the monastery at an obscure neighborhood of Yangon, called Ngwe Kyar Yan (on Wei-za-yan-tar Road, Yangon) had been raided early this morning.

A troop of lone-tein (riot police comprised of paid thugs) protected by the military trucks, raided the monastery with 200 studying monks. They systematically ordered all the monks to line up and banged and crushed each one's head against the brick wall of the monastery. One by one, the peaceful, non resisting monks, fell to the ground, screaming in pain. Then, they tore off the red robes and threw them all in the military trucks (like rice bags) and took the bodies away.

The head monk of the monastery, was tied up in the middle of the monastery, tortured , bludgeoned, and later died the same day, today. Tens of thousands of people gathered outside the monastery, warded off by troops with bayoneted rifles, unable to help their helpless monks being slaughtered inside the monastery. Their every try to forge ahead was met with the bayonets.

When all is done, only 10 out of 200 remained alive, hiding in the monastery. Blood stained everywhere on the walls and floors of the monastery.

Please tell your audience of the full extent of the fate of the monks please please !!!!!!!!!!!!

'Arrested' is not enough expression. They have been bludgeoned to death !!!!!!

Raining in Rangoon

2007-09-30T09:06:00.000+01:00

It has been raining in Burma recently. We know this because the young student's brain, pictured below, which became separated from his body during a fatal beating by soldiers of the junta yesterday, has been washed clean by the rain.

The two young men pictured below were also murdered by the 'brave' government soldiers. These young men were lucky enough to have been beaten to death in such a way that their bodies were left relatively intact. (Source: Democratic Voice of Burma.)

"Skyfull of Lies"

2007-09-28T13:49:00.000+01:00

Burma, We Are Watching You.

2007-09-27T12:06:00.000+01:00

China, we are watching you too...

Sexual Harassment and YOU

2007-08-28T17:00:00.000+01:00

ITN Racists

2007-08-27T03:19:00.001+01:00

'Gay wins world sprint title'. This is bloody outrageous. What difference does the man's sexuality make? He is either a good sprinter or he is not.

More BBC Shoddiness

2007-08-27T03:13:00.000+01:00

How dare the BBC broadcast footage giving the impression that the Queen stormed out of a photo shoot like a rude and petulant child? It is quite clear from the surrounding footage that she stormed in to the photo shoot like a rude and petulant child. The BBC need to clean up their act. Silly buggers.

BBC in Decline

2007-08-23T04:00:00.000+01:00

'WHO warns of global epidemic risk' demands the BBC.
How the hell are we supposed to know? What kind of news organisation are they anyhow? It should be them giving us the answers to these questions, not the other way round.

Bloody idiots.

Heavenly Body

2007-07-08T06:58:00.000+01:00

I have long thought that Venus Williams is a bit of a babe. I still do. She is an amazing ambassador for the sport.

Breaking News

2007-07-06T18:41:00.003+01:00

For the third time in less than a week, I have lifted a bottle of orange juice out of the fridge and taken a good, long, hearty swig. Robinson's orange juice. The undiluted kind. The thick, gloopy, sickly sweet stuff that you are not supposed to drink. Neat. This time, the identical but diluted bottle was in the freezer compartment. I do not find this funny. This is a clear abuse of my human rights and I refuse to put up with it any longer. If this happens again I will report myself to the police without hesitation.

From Terrorist to Statesman

2007-07-05T05:07:00.000+01:00

This man has got guts. Well done to him.

Happy Fourth of July!

2007-07-04T02:09:00.000+01:00

A very happy Fourth of July to all our American friends, cousins, brothers and sisters, trusted allies, inventors of Big Macs and Looney Tunes, and brothers-in-arms.

Breaking News

2007-07-04T00:55:00.000+01:00

I am the owner of two-thirds of a chopping board. The reason for this is that I bought it, against my better instincts, from the B&Q down the road. In my experience, B&Q are well known for many things, but quality is not one of them. My chopping board used to be three little planks all joined together lengthways. Now it is two. Silly me. What was I thinking of, chopping vegetables on a chopping board, and then washing it afterwards? I never learn.

More Breaking News

2007-07-04T00:53:00.000+01:00

A hearty well done and many congratulations to Sir Salman Rushdie on his well-deserved knighthood. I am sure our friends in Pakistan and our other sympathetic territories will join us in congratulating him.

Breaking News

2007-07-03T18:53:00.000+01:00

For the second time in less than a week, I have lifted a bottle of orange juice out of the fridge and taken a hearty swig. Robinson's orange juice. The undiluted kind. The fact that I also have an identical bottle of already diluted Robinson's orange juice in the fridge is no excuse. This is an unforgiveable error and I am afraid I will be reporting myself to the police. Nobody messes with me. Not even me. Is that understood?

Paris Hilton's Rubbish

2007-07-03T14:48:00.001+01:00

Paris Hilton's rubbish. Well we all knew that. But this is about Paris Hilton's rubbish. Apparently, some people with no taste have taken some of Paris Hilton's rubbish and sold it on the Internet. This is not the first time this has happened though. Take a look at this, for example...

Their Values. Our Values.

2007-07-02T03:41:00.001+01:00

Kind British man saves Islamic idiot from own lunacy.

Bloody Islam

2007-07-01T03:45:00.000+01:00

It's starting to get just a little tiresome now, is it not?

The King is Dead - Long Live the Assassin!

2007-06-27T18:06:00.000+01:00

Tony Blair, international statesman and the UK's most successful prime minister of all time, has today stepped down. He is survived by his loving family, a voracious media, an ungrateful public, and one very grateful, back-stabbing, front-stabbing assassin.

Off with Her Head!

2007-06-12T23:42:00.000+01:00

Good lord, what an awful woman.

Support Paris's Hunger Strike

2007-06-10T01:14:00.001+01:00

What wonderful news to hear that Paris Hilton has reportedly refused to eat any food since re-entering prison. Given that she is already so thin, it shouldn't take her long to waste away completely. If you would like to support Paris's hunger strike, please do so in the comments box below.

Best of British?

2007-05-26T02:42:00.000+01:00

This man should be imprisoned or deported. This makes very interesting reading. And this makes very interesting viewing.

Rubbish Reporting

2007-05-23T21:19:00.000+01:00

Yet more pathetic reporting by the BBC. Who are they to say what is a rubbish crisis and what is a good one? Bloody idiots.

Water Insult

2007-05-22T03:48:00.000+01:00

So scientists tell us water can run uphill. Wow. As if we didn't know. Every river in the northern hemisphere that runs in a vaguely northerly direction is running uphill, for heaven's sake. Give me strength. No wonder our kids are so thick these days.

Black Beauty

2007-05-21T01:57:00.000+01:00

Racist Britain

2007-05-18T15:09:00.000+01:00

Black kids don't count. White kids do though.

Gordon Wins, We Lose.

2007-05-17T12:09:00.000+01:00

Gordon, because you have bullied your way into becoming prime minister, I have today left the Labour Party. Please do not feel you can rely on my support at the next general election.

Competition!

2007-05-15T03:11:00.000+01:00

The winner of this competition will be given £10 towards a charity of their choice, provided that charity is to help poor people in Africa and nothing else.

The question is this: which is my favourite contestant in this year's Miss Universe Competition?

A clue: she is a close relative.
A clue: she and I both look down our nose at each other.
A clue: she and I have invaded each other's privacy from time to time.
A clue: she is feminine.
A clue: she kisses beautifully but smells of garlic. No more clues.

NB Marks will be deducted for random guesswork, and added for providing reasons. This is a post-post-feminist competition, and the male judge's decision is final.

Man with Huge Cock

2007-05-12T03:22:00.000+01:00

If you are easily offended, please do not click this link...

Ugly Weasel Endangered

2007-05-10T21:02:00.000+01:00

A strange and rather ugly animal has been discovered hiding in a court room in California, US police have said. Experts say the weasel-like animal is not known to have any living relatives and is likely to become extinct, astonishingly, through sheer ugliness.

Racist BBC

2007-05-10T03:06:00.000+01:00

One of today's headlines on the BBC News website reads: 'Payments 'wrong' says Black aide'.

What the hell difference does it make what colour he is? This is atrocious, racialistical reporting from the BBC and they should bloody well be ashamed of themselves.

Paris Hilton: Jail Bird

2007-05-09T04:53:00.000+01:00

According to a number of news reports, Paris Hilton is to serve forty-five days in jail for driving while barred. This is a disgusting miscarriage of justice. She should serve at least ninety days. Have you heard her latest album?

BREAKING NEWS

2007-05-02T08:35:00.000+01:00

An elderly woman has dressed up in a posh frock to have her picture taken.

Separated at Birth?

2007-05-01T00:16:00.000+01:00

Men of God?

2007-04-30T12:52:00.000+01:00

These five men of God have been convicted of a bomb plot linked to al-Qaeda that could have killed hundreds of people in Britain.

These two men of God have not been convicted of killing tens of thousands of innocent people for no good reason. Yet.

Virginia Tech Visit

2007-04-29T15:31:00.000+01:00

Well done to Mrs Elizabeth Windsor of Buckingham Palace, London.

Lesbianism-ism

2007-04-27T20:59:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry but this is just outrageous. Why on earth should lesbian women have to be 'stoned' and 'caned'? Why shouldn't they have the right to choose whether or not to smoke drugs, just like the rest of us? It's this kind of prejudice that gives Islam a bad name.

Poser

2007-04-25T23:55:00.000+01:00

This is a particularly challenging problem. It took me several hours – yes, several hours – to finally come up with the wrong answer. See how you get on.

Boris Yeltsin, 1931 - 2007

2007-04-25T11:15:00.000+01:00

Goodbye Boris.

Silly Billy

2007-04-17T00:21:00.000+01:00

This story really gets my goat. The guy's behaviour is simply disgusting. Why couldn't he get his own, for heaven's sake?

Richard Howard

2007-04-05T00:25:00.001+01:00

Fellow, funnyman, fighter, friend.

Eats, Shoots, and Leaves

2007-03-27T17:42:00.000+01:00

This disgusting show of pornographic depravity simply does not bear thinking about.

Congratulations.

2007-03-27T00:28:00.000+01:00

Well done, gentlemen. Now kindly get on with it.

Didn't We Do Well?

2007-03-26T17:39:00.000+01:00

Let's resist the temptation to pat ourselves on the back. Black people may no longer be technically slaves, but we have a long way to go before we can claim that they are truly 'free' in this country. Racism is endemic and deep rooted. Most problematic perhaps are the subtle prejudices that we hold, and act upon – daily, but unknowingly.

Today's Headlines

2007-03-21T22:54:00.000Z

PRICE OF BEER GOES UP BY 1P.

20 Iraqi civilians die in car bomb attack.

Black Person's Fingerprints

2007-03-11T19:58:00.000Z

This is what a black person's fingerprints look like:

Man Arrested

2007-03-10T02:08:00.000Z

A man has been arrested for wearing a large pomfret cake on his head. It is thought that the man's failure to wear the pomfret cake stamp-side-up is what caused police to arrest him.

Radical Rodents

2007-03-03T21:25:00.001Z

Judge: Mental

2007-03-02T20:43:00.002Z

Why didn't anyone tell me about this sort of thing before I started studying law for heaven's sake?

Spot the Difference

2007-03-02T02:22:00.000Z

Can you tell the difference between these two pictures?

That's right! One has style, class, good looks, and can hold your interest, and the other is Gordon Brown.

Lovely Picture

2007-03-02T02:14:00.000Z

Just look at the beautiful candles in this picture...

Separated at Birth?

2007-03-01T00:01:00.000Z

Nice Picture

2007-02-25T00:21:00.000Z

I really like the beautiful upholstery in this picture.

Wow

2007-02-24T01:58:00.000Z

I have been stunned, nay, flabbergasted by Islamic art many times in the past.

Now I know why...

Nice Picture

2007-02-20T22:55:00.000Z

I just love the lighting in this picture. And the floorboards. And the patio doors. And the skirting boards. Anyone who suggests that I am being racialistic for liking this picture is sick in the head. I like it for genuine autistic reasons.

2007-02-12T23:36:00.001Z

O MY Luve's like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve's like the melodie
That's sweetly play'd in tune!

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I:
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry:

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile.

Robert Burns

Photo Booth

2007-02-10T20:28:00.000Z

This is the day my nephew and niece found out my laptop had a programme called Photo Booth.

Dishonest John

2007-02-01T10:01:00.002Z

How nauseating that John Reid, Home Secretary and one of the many queuing up for Tony Blair's job, should toss this story to the greedy and parasitic media in order to rid himself of this one.

Underhand Banks? Never!

2007-01-31T09:04:00.000Z

Surely this is a mistake?

Trade

2007-01-30T19:06:00.000Z

Man, Woman, Book

2007-01-14T14:32:00.000Z

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I've forgotten what I was going to say. Anyway, there's a serious point to be made here. Why on earth should a woman be allowed to win the Man Booker Prize? What kind of society are we that we allow this kind of blatant racialism to go unchallenged? How would women feel if a man won the Woman Booker Prize? Why can't we all just live in peace?

Gordon Go Home

2007-01-10T05:37:00.000Z

So much for Gordon Brown being a good chancellor. What more can we say about a man who back-stabbed his best friend for ten years in order to get his job?

Whatever he now claims, Gordon Brown was in favour of going in to Iraq. Like the dishonourable man we know him to be, he is already trying to distance himself from that horrendous decision.

He is neither trusted nor liked by the public at large, and yet, like a spoilt child, he insists on 'having his turn' at being prime minister. In doing so, he has torn the people's party in two, and jeopardised a fourth term in office.

He has systematically eroded public services while courting the private sector with failed private finance initiatives. We are quite clearly heading towards an economic slow down and perhaps even a recession. The 'longest period of sustained growth' appears to have been built upon the sands of credit card spending. Gordon Brown has failed as a chancellor.

This sickeningly ambitious, grumpy and untrustworthy Scot should never be allowed to become our country's prime minister.

Love

2007-01-09T18:50:00.000Z

I am so shallow that I have already fallen in love with the pretty young Scouser on Celebrity Big Brother. I thought I'd better admit it sooner rather than later.

Danielle, leave Teddy and marry me. He is only a good-looking, famous, wealthy footballer, whereas...

Weak Women

2007-01-06T08:40:00.000Z

Please spare a thought for the weaker sex.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T07:19:00.001Z

A very happy New Year to the numerous people who read this blog. I wish peace and happiness to both of you in 2007. And a very warm welcome to our Bulgarian and Romanian cousins who join the family of the European Union today!

Death to Saddam!

2006-12-29T08:57:00.001Z

Tough though it may be to get over my knee-jerk desire to see Saddam Hussein publicly hanged, the thought occurred that a democracy such as that being breach-born in Iraq might do well to show mercy to that peculiarly unpleasant individual, and to be seen to have done so.

There are problems with this approach however. Iraq, ruled for quarter of a century by a brutal dictator, cannot be expected to embrace the democratic rule of law overnight, as the Allies seem to have hoped, so tragically and mistakenly. More Americans have now died in revenge for September 11 than died during it. The Allies have managed to stack up a death toll already two thirds that caused by Saddam during his twenty-four year dictatorship.

Indigenous tribal factions are determined to assert their legitimate right, as they see it, to influence the outcome of power sharing in the new state of Iraq. Any nation that had simultaneously lost its leaders and been overrun by violent outsiders would behave in the same way. That this was not foreseen by Blair and Bush beggars belief. It is as though they were expecting to be able to politely referee a boxing match played by the Queensbury rules, when what we really have is a nasty and dangerous brawl in a public bar.

But that is now history, and it will be for history to judge. The problem with the death penalty is that it is irreversible. The problem with a life penalty, on the other hand, is that it is reversible. Saddam Hussein is an astonishingly resourceful man, as we have seen by his antics in court. He has done everything in his power to undermine the legitimacy of the court, and thereby render his trial, and therefore his penalty, invalid. Some would say he has succeeded. Well-meaning human rights organisations are already questioning its validity. If he succeeded in garnering a custodial sentence, it would not be beyond the bounds of possibility to suppose that his supporters, in the mayhem that constitutes modern-day Iraq, might easily rescue him at some point in the future. Let us not forget that lawyers have already been murdered during the trial itself. It is a brave man who stands up to Saddam Hussein.

Though not a particularly religious man, Saddam Hussein converted to Islam out of simple expediency. As one would expect of any mass murderer, he is hypocritical, dishonest and unprincipled to the core. He is a secularist by nature, and yet brandished the Koran throughout his trial as though his life depended on it - which of course it did.

These are not matters which have had to be decided urgently. The fact of the matter is that, for expediency's sake, Saddam has probably already been executed on the orders of the democratic government of Iraq and with the tacit support of the Allies. And so, another uneasy step is taken on the road towards democracy.

Saddam and George

2006-12-27T05:59:00.000Z

A man called Saddam is going to be hanged soon. He killed just over a million people over a twenty-four year period.

A man called George, on the other hand, is going to remain the world's most powerful individual. He killed two-thirds of a million people over a three-year period.

A Special Merry Christmas to Ipswich

2006-12-26T00:03:00.000Z

A very special Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year to the good people of Ipswich and Suffolk. We are thinking of you.

The Queen's Speech

2006-12-25T20:06:00.000Z

The Queen's speech today was tremendously well written and delivered a powerful message: we must build bridges across and between generations and religous faiths, and always remember that we share a collective responsibility, whatever our religious beliefs, for the future of the younger generation. The Queen also bravely stood beside children of different ethnic backgrounds while delivering part of her speech.

I'm afraid this doesn't dispel the idea in my mind though that the monarchy is still an inherently racially exclusive, sexist, and religiously intolerant institution. There are unlikely ever to be any non-white members of the royal family, for example, and women come a poor second in terms of heredity. Catholics are also still legally discriminated against by the monarchy.

I believe that it cannot be right for an institution which stands for the continuation of these values to continue to form part of the constitutional make up of this country. I am not attempting to suggest an alternative, but merely an open discussion of the issues.

I think the Queen means well and has done a good job, whatever that may mean for someone who is given the role of the most privileged person on earth. However, she and her family - and extended family, and so on - have been trained to believe that they are truly superior to all other human beings in 'their' realm. In centuries past, when life was short and sometimes violent, it may have made sense to have a single and omnipotent family running things. The rules were quite clear as to who the next leader would be, and there was certainty right from the off. The uncertainty of democracy was an unnecessary luxury.

Presidents and prime ministers, no matter how powerful they may be, have time-limited tenure of that power. We no longer need the sense of permanence which for so long it has been the royal family's job to provide. We are living longer and healthier lives, we have more choices to make and more rights to enforce. We live in a meritocracy, comparatively speaking. It is no longer right that a single individual and his or her family should inherit a large portion of the wealth of this country.

The Queen will not live forever. Now is the time for us to start thinking about the future for our country. We will have to give up many things we are fond of: royal patronage and the honours system; the soap opera that makes up the daily life of the royal family; our deference; our attachment to the past; and our fear of the future.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-23T01:21:00.000Z

My favourite ever teacher, an art teacher called Jim Lowery, from a very fine school called St Cuthbert's R.C. High School in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, once sent my family a Christmas card in which he had written 'Wishing you a happy and holy Christmas'.

I thought that was lovely, and I am therefore going to pretend that I made it up. I would be most grateful if you would play along.

Wishing you a happy and holy Christmas.

I don't know about you, but I intend to enjoy mine.

Love Is...

2006-12-22T20:56:00.000Z

Realising when you're beaten.

Circle

2006-12-18T08:06:00.000Z

Nasty Little Man

2006-12-17T16:13:00.000Z

Dear Nasty Little Man,

Your home, for the next thirty or forty years, will be a small yellow room which smells of antiseptic. There will be a small window in your room but it will be much too high for you to look out of, even when you stand on the toilet.

Quite early on in your sentence, your thoughts will turn to suicide. You will be prevented, however, from hanging yourself from the bars which block the window, by prison officers who will conduct a 15 minute, round-the-clock suicide watch. The prison officers will not attempt to hide the fact that they dislike you - they do not like perverts - and they will ensure that you suffer at least the majority of your sentence.

You will have almost zero human contact during your imprisonment, and the rare visits that you are permitted will serve as a painful reminder of the world outside that you have been forced to leave behind and will never return to. You will not be permitted to embrace another human being for the next thirty or forty years. You will hear birds, but see no trees, no flowers.

For one hour in every 24, you will be permitted to walk around the 'exercise' yard outside, which will be surrounded by a twenty-foot-high fence.

As you do so, other inmates will whistle, jeer and spit at you, and throw soiled objects at you from their cells overlooking the yard. Your new obsession in life will be how to end it.

A merry Christmas to you.

Tania Nicol

2006-12-16T03:50:00.000Z

This little girl never knew
That she would grow up to be a 'working girl'.
This little girl never knew
That she would become addicted to drugs.
This little girl never knew
That one day she would be murdered.
This little girl never knew
How we would mourn her loss.

Nasty Little Man

2006-12-12T14:12:00.000Z

Occasionally, as a law student, some of my views concern me. Take this nasty little man, for example. I think he should be hanged by the neck until he is dead. This nasty little man does not seem to realise that the young women who he is murdering are vulnerable young women who are in the grip of an overwhelming addiction to drugs; so severe in fact that they are willing to do virtually anything to satisfy it. It is he, not they, who is immoral.

The death penalty is, rightly of course, long since dead. The best that we can hope for is that, once they catch this nasty little man, rather than slip him into a prison vulnerable persons unit, they re-home him on a wing where sex offenders and nasty little men are neither respected nor welcome.

Suicide should of course be prevented at all costs.

2006-12-12T03:52:00.000Z

Reminder

2006-12-12T03:30:00.000Z

Dear Tony and Gordon

We, as public servants, are not happy that you, as public servants, have spent five billion pounds on an illegal war in Iraq, and have cut our wages, and sacked some of us, to pay for it.

Not your wages, of course. Just ours.

To let you know that we are not happy about this, about three hundred thousand of us will almost certainly be going on strike on 31 January 2007.

A very merry Christmas to you. Oh, and a happy New Year.

Dick-Head Armour-Dinner-Jacket

2006-12-12T03:27:00.000Z

This man denies that the Holocaust happened.

This man wants us to take him seriously.

Ho ho ho!

Punch and Judy

2006-12-10T17:56:00.000Z

If there is one thing above all others that defines a civilised society, it is the rejection of violence in favour of peaceful means of resolving disputes. Further than that, it is the rejection of violence in all its forms.

It has long been a source of wonderment to me that we in this country consider it not only legal but a form of entertainment to allow two men to punch the living daylights out of each other while onlookers cheer them on. I find it appalling that such an attitude should be allowed to exist and to go unchallenged. It is barbaric in the extreme that, in this day and age, we should consider it 'enjoyable' to watch two men attempt to inflict serious damage on each other. It is not a sport but a barbaric and neanderthal practice, and it should be banned immediately.

I have no intention whatsoever, therefore, of congratulating Amir Khan for his superb win yesterday, during which he whipped that boy's ass good and proper. Oops.

Genius

2006-12-08T00:27:00.000Z

This man should be knighted.

Iraq

2006-12-07T22:45:00.000Z

Dear George and Tony,

It is not the six hundred thousand dead in Iraq that are the problem. They are dead and gone. It is the six hundred thousand families that have been left behind to grieve.

Please think very carefully before you get us involved in another illegal war.

Oh, and by the way, I think you owe us an apology for the eight billion pounds you have spent thus far on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. And now you are cutting wages for public servants - not yourselves of course, but all the others.